seeking inspiration: feeling loss & being at a loss

I have posted previously about bands/music and have given a bit of thought of late to music that has had an influence on me. This is partly due to the million-and-one quizzes abounding on stalkerbook of late, and the release of Supporting Caste by Propaghandi in the last month. I have appreciated their lyrics and tunes for a long time, having the opportunity to see them in Australia in 1996 and in their home town of Winnipeg in 2006 (unfortunately I missed their recent Australian tour as I was in Canada). My anticipation of their new disc was heightened knowing friends were talking to Chris for a number of podcasts (VeganFreak Radio; Animal Voices).

I have given Supporting Caste a few listens through, without the benefit of the liner which is apparently very very good. I need to give Supporting Caste a good going over, though am still at a point where Life at Disconnect, included on Potempkin City Limits, was a life-changing song for me. I am certain it will be hard to surpass. Of course, this is my own perspective and based on my own experiences and contexts. For me, the lyrics of Life at Disconnect struck such a chord at its release. It said so much about what I was seeing in the world at the time, and sadly still to a substantial degree. I can’t get past:

‘Maybe we truly are just shallow and lame and we’re all just waiting for the end, the spectacle, or some kind of catastrophe to bring us back to earth to stun our ever nodding heads.’

It seems that many of us have given up to a degree. Are we too comfortable in our wanna-be middle class existences, have we lost hope in real change, have we given up. Yes we are beaten down, some more than others. Though at the least we can have hope for change. We need to work on making that change. Beyond the notion of the means reflecting the ends, are not the means also the ends?

Recent life experiences have me seeking some inspiration from another tune. I know that was where I was at when Potempkin City Limits was released. I am not sure where it will come from. This is partly linked to my previous post on a serious case of life. I seriously fucked up an amazing thing in my life, and it my be unrecoverable. I succumbed to pressures from the machinations of the state, I was beaten down over many months. I lost site of the trees.

I find myself, now having partly recovered, at a loss as to how I let myself rationalise and convince myself to make a choice that I foresee I will regret for the rest of my life. I have a void, an emptiness, a bag of hurt. I have also inflicted similar on someone so special through succumbing, throwing in the towel. This pains me manifestly more. I feel loss and am at a loss…

Perhaps I am looking for music to help me come to terms. Not to heal as somethings never do, are not meant to. I am looking for something to help me process. I hope I find it soon. I also hope the bag of hurt I have inflicted on this special person is one that can be lightened.

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