the excitement and dauntingness of change

Having relocated to a new place, leaving my established networks and circles behind, has fostered some reflection — amongst the personal challenges that arise from uncertainties. I am noting two very distinct and contrasting emotions: being very excited about what may come — which dominated prior to the move, and feeling quite daunted by it all. The latter currently overshadows the former, though the former does shine through at times. I have experienced similar circumstances in the past, though seemingly find myself struggling/unprepared this time (again?).

A key basis for feeling daunted is the uncertainty. This is directly linked to being way outside of my comfort zone. I am most certain that there is good to come, and much good in time. This is why I made the decision to relocate, to embrace the opportunity placed in front of me.

It is the present, being very much present in the here and now, that overly shapes my experiences. The physical move away from the diverse and strong circles and networks that I could be fallen back on, even draw from in simple ways — their existence often being enough in itself — is most profound. I can not just visit someone, or drop by a common space expecting to note some familiarity. Draw from spatial comfort and sense of place.

I am very aware that new networks will emerge, that I need to work on creating the potential for these. It is the void that exists between this point in the near future and the here and now that is quite challenging.

My current experiences also illustrate how even one event, the actions of a single person (or more), can make such a huge difference on feelings of uncertainty and the dautingness [yes, I believe I did make this word up] of it all. This provides much relief, yet is also has a tendency, at times, to reinforce feelings of uncertainty. Concerns about the pressure this can place on who/those this emanates from, alongside the loss of this support, come to the surface at times. It is almost like a Pandora’s box. Really wanting to have this support, though having some uncertainties about drawing too much from it and potentially losing it through too much expectation or pressure on them — even just losing aspects of it. This is challenging in itself.

These uncertainties aside, and they can and are pushed aside at times — and hopefully more every day, I have already noted the roots of potential and exciting prospects. I have already had exposure to many good things, and see many more interlinked with these. I have noted people doing and being prepared to do amazing things. In as much as I my move was to a location culturally very similar, and I find myself seeking connection with very similar networks to those I previously had, it is comforting to see this. I try not place expectation that I will find these. Perhaps is that I do not want to not find them. Rather, is it that I find expectations not being met as much harder to come to terms with than not having the expectations in the first place? Maybe this is borne out of my experiences, my socialisations, of experiencing life?

All this said and done, even though this may be far from my dominant feelings since the relocation, I still think that being pushed outside our comfort zones is a good thing. In hindsight — some time down the track — I foresee that I will look back on this as a time of personal growth and the roots of many wonderful experiences. The challenge for now is to face up to these feelings, these concerns — even fears — and try to embrace the uncertainty. To look past, at times, perceived feelings of being close to personal limits — the proverbial straw, and try and enjoy the moments. To be present and enjoy the real…

One thought on “the excitement and dauntingness of change

  1. ::hug::

    I am amazed by how well you are doing, and hope that I can continue to support you in whatever ways I can, and that you will continue to let me. I know that it is hard, though, and I admire your willingness to stay present in the midst of such uncertainty… some monks call this training in the middle of the fire. It is challenging, for sure!

    I am very much looking forward to seeing all the amazing things you will accomplish, and I am so impressed by what you’ve already done, including in the very limited time you’ve had here.

    Please let me know if there’s other things I can do to make the transitions easier.

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